1. A girl always survives: She is usually brunette and painfully normal. If she shows any glimmer of a personality she is screwed. If she gets along with her boyfriend he will end up dead. If she doesn't trust him or they've been separated for awhile then he has a fighting chance. She is always perfectly virginal, this isn't a bad thing, just an observation.
Examples of regular girl survivors:
- Erin (Jessica Biel) of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Casey (Odette Yustman) of the Unborn.
- Sidney (Neve Campbell) of Scream.
- Clear (Ali Larter) of Final Destination.
- Whitney (Amanda Righetti) of the new Friday the 13th.
- Lori (Monica Campbell) of Freddy vs. Jason.
- Carly (Elisha Cuthbert) of House of Wax.
- Sarah (Jaime King) of My Bloody Valentine 3-D.
- Donna (Brittany Snow) of Prom Night.
2. Boys never survive by themselves: A boy will never survive a horror movie on his own, he is always accompanied by his estranged or newly found girlfriend. Occasionally it's his sister. If he and his girlfriend have a healthy committed relationship he is going down. Committed boyfriend usually dies after everyone thinks the bad guy is dead, but we know better. Our lovely heroine skips off to take a shower or she goes to sleep, and next time she sees him he's dead. If she doesn't really trust him, i.e. thinks he's crazy or the killer, he might be all right. Also if he's her brother he might make it. This is just leading men. We already know all the sidekicks bite it. Also I didn't mention total douche bags, they never make it either.
Boy's who do make it:
- Axel (Kerr Smith) of My Bloody Valentine 3-D. His wife thinks he's the killer.
- Will (Jason Ritter) of Freddy vs. Jason. His ex/current girlfriend thought he was crazy.
- Clay (Jared Padalecki) of the new Friday the 13th. His sister is our survivor.
- Nick (Chad Michael Murray) of House of Wax. His sister is our survivor.
- Alex (Devon Sawa) of Final Destination. Everyone thinks he's crazy.
Boy's who don't make it:
- Bobby (Scott Porter) of Prom Night.
- Mark (Cam Gigandet) of the Unborn.
- Kemper (Eric Balfour) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Wade (Jared Padalecki) of House of Wax.
They were all wonderful supportive boyfriends. May these sweet men rest in peace.
3. Dumb/slutty girls always die.
4. Best friends always die.
5. Minorities always die.
6. Villain usually survives.
7. Stoners, nerds, and weirdos, always die.
Disclaimer: These rules only apply to slasher flicks and supernatural movies where the principal cast is under 25. The formula for haunted house movies featuring families will have to wait for another day.
The biggest exception to these rules I've seen was Disturbia. Can you think of others? Do you agree, disagree? If you disagree please don't show up at my place with a hockey mask.
See you at the movies,
MovieFreek
